Invective in London part 2 – “Emotion recollected in tranquillity”

Reaching airports is an activity that can take very different forms. It might simply occur that on a bright and sunny day you have your bags ready, you go out, catch a bus, go to the station, buy a ticket to the airport, with the guy at the window smiling at you and saying “I hope you’ve had a pleasant trip” and you smile back, glad to be rid of 9 £ just for the sake of his exquisite kindness; then you board the train (leaving in 15 minutes, so you have time for a last cigarette) and calmly reach the airport, listening to some pleasant Sunday-morning music with your iPod and thoroughly enjoying your book; you know exactly what terminal you’re supposed to check in at and you remember your flight number by heart. Everything’s simply perfect, you have all your liquids in the damn plastic bags since the day before, the metal detector doesn’t sound and you don’t have to take off your boots; the flight departs on perfect time.

Things could gain another hue, though. You may, let’s say, be suffering from a serious hangover, it may be that the world is not perfectly clear to you right then, and that you’re fatally pondering on the different concepts of reality more »

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On the inherent dangers of being a continental European in London

1. Buy cigarettes/tobacco in your own country before you board the plane
2. This is trite but worth repeating: always look on both sides when crossing
3. Always remember to wait for the bus on the right side of the street. This can become an issue.
4. Remember to look for a queue even when you wouldn’t expect to be in one (f.e. when you’re boarding trains)
5. Watch out when you’re going out of the tube: most likely you’ll be trying to use the wrong side of the escalator / you could be dangerous.
6. Before ordering an espresso, try to peep at the other tables and check whether somebody else is having one and especially what does it look like.
7. Always carry your own napkins. You’ll find them nowhere and you’ll end up eating saucy sandwiches and trying to lick your fingers clean.
8. Try not to stare steadfastly at people wearing just t-shirts and women wearing sandals and no stockings in December.
9. Don’t ask for directions.
10. Say “Sorry” whenever you can. It can be a substitute for anything.
11. Don’t be scared by mail. You’re in the flat, all alone, and hear a strange more »

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Practicing invective, part 1: London

Hate the damn stupid telephone alarm clocks that don’t wake you up. They’re supposed to ring histerically at 7 am but somehow they don’t. You open your eyes at half past eight and realise you should be checking in at Fiumicino terminal C in half an hour. Only you live at 50 km. You end up there somehow almost on time, you queue up for 25 minutes at passport control (ain’t this the EU WTF?), right next to an ageing dwarfish rockstar with long dirty hair, leather trousers and leather jacket, speaking in Milanese and stinking. The whole thing is so insulting that you’re forced to put on your AKG headphones (love them) and listen to New Born by Muse for at least 2 times, noisily blowing your nose in disgust.

Hate the people without fantasy sitting next to you on a plane. You crack a couple of your best jokes on them and smile, hoping to see a glimpse of intellect stirring beyond their cowish glances. No way. Next thing you do is try to help them out when they’re trying to explain to the English more »

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