Weaving the cloth

Waiting is a powerless agony. I study anguish in its progress, in a panicky, offended manner. A queue for a bureaucratic matter, the renewal of papers, a late train, a date or appointment, a traveller home late, practical matters keeping me away from what I cherish, are able to rekindle this nervous agitated worry. I wait for presence (the end of absence) or for news about a disaster (the only other possible outcome).

At times, presence gets confused with absence – I mistake ordinary carelessness for fading, or a meaningless gesture for willful or unconscious neglect or rejection, and this is the source of the greatest of fears. The primal, clinical fear of a collapse. If only I could understand that this is fear of a crash I’ve already experienced. If only I could remind myself that the loss I anticipate is a damage that has already come to pass, that cannot subsist again, a departure towards Night that has already occurred. Then I’d be peaceful and light-hearted. I’d see it as the chalk outline of a dead monster.

But I wait, like unsold stock. In apnoea. An evil spirit comes and takes everything from me, and when there’s an end to absence, this “everything” must be recreated afresh. Like a child or a dog, unable to understand that there’s an end to departure, that eventually there’ll be a Return to fill the gaping Nothing.

Absence carries on and I have to endure it. I try to control it, turn it into action. I rush around. I pretend. I sing and weave the cloth I’ll destroy at night, with all my senses alert. I take pictures. I write.

Popularity: 2% [?]

Obey your parents

Get up don’t waste your day sit down stand up have you done your homework don’t study that much go out stay home wear some make-up you look like a Christmas tree be elegant stand straight don’t put your elbows on the table don’t dig too deep don’t fail never fail don’t be too smart or you’ll see lifelong loneliness don’t let anybody ever get too close to you you’re always so lonely can’t you do anything about it don’t think too much don’t quit your job don’t work too much why aren’t you at school don’t waste time don’t smoke give me a cigarette eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat eat you’re getting fat don’t read so much don’t spend so much time at the computer do something productive study economics study architecture study law honour your family call your grandmother call your grandfather you have to visit your cousin you have to spend some time with your relatives don’t spend so much money buy something nice help your brother help me help me help me help me help me if you do that you’ll have everything at your feet don’t trust anyone don’t speak with anyone keep your secrets you have to accept advice you have a peculiar character you’re unbending you’re always angry can’t you take things less seriously be more tidy people looking at this will think you’re a mess the cowl makes the monk be more organized be more controlled don’t ever lose your temper don’t let others bully you where’s the point in arguing fighting is never the solution don’t wash your dirty linen in public I told you it would happen haven’t I why don’t you ever listen to me listen to me listen to me listen to me

Popularity: 3% [?]